•布雷兰(Ben Breeland)吃东西的时候总是把酱汁嘬得啧啧有声、吮骨头、吧唧嘴、舔手指，吃得不亦乐乎。这位48岁的软件咨询师说，吃东西就得有像花栗鼠狼吞虎 咽地吃最爱吃的花生那种效果。
这种吃法对他来说是一种乐趣：他和五个兄弟姐妹从小在南卡罗来纳州的一个农场长大。那时，他们的吃饭时间很 不规律，吃饭时弄出很大的声响是表示对美食的赞美。
但是他的妻子怎么想呢？
“我努力控制自己的情绪，”49岁的乔斯林•布雷兰(Jocelyn Breeland)说。她在一家帮助残疾人的行业协会负责沟通及营销业务。“每次咽东西的时候，他都会发出下水管道冲水似的声音。而且他连吃葡萄都能嘎嘎 作响。”
在他们23年婚姻的初期阶段，乔斯林试图通过唠叨或者在桌子底下踢他的腿来改变丈夫的饮食习惯。现在，她会喝点红酒来稳定情绪， 在另外的房间吃饭，或者匆匆忙忙地吃完，以便尽可能快地逃离丈夫发出的噪音。
乔斯林还给丈夫脸色看。“她瞪着眼、撇着嘴，看上去就像是一 个卡通人物，”本说。“你感觉自己是世界上最差劲的人”。
忘掉中学时代吧。因吃饭而引发的口角──在哪儿吃、什么时候吃、怎么吃──发生 在成年人身上的几率与孩子相当，共浴爱河的成年人更是如此，因为他们在一起吃饭的时候很多。在成年人的世界里，因吃饭而起的冲突最终往往造成情感上的问 题，而不像小孩子那样留下有形有质的混乱现场。
夫妻之间会因为各种各样的吃饭问题发生 争吵：金枪鱼沙拉该放多少蛋黄酱、该叫外卖还是出去吃，等等。肉食者与素食主义者的较量？有机食物和垃圾食品的比拼？或是另一半“温柔地”告诉你放下手中 Ben & Jerry's的Chunky Monkey冰激凌？在两人世界中食物“变质”的可能性简直无穷无尽。
希瑟•希尔斯 (Heather Hills)喜欢早点儿吃晚饭，在下午5点左右，而她的丈夫詹姆士(James)却喜欢吃得晚些，在晚上的9、10点钟。更糟糕的是，两人烹饪的方式不 同：他喜欢花费时间制作精美的主菜，再加上特别的酱汁和精心选择的配菜。她则把肉末、冷冻蔬菜和奶油蘑菇汤统统一锅烩。“我会把它们混在一起，而他会说， ‘它们看上去像大便，’”希瑟说。她今年31岁，是伊利诺伊州巴特利特(Bartlett)一家营销公司的社会媒介专家。
希尔斯夫妇之间 战争的最低触发点？巧克力曲奇饼。詹姆士喜欢扁平而脆薄的曲奇饼，而他的妻子却喜欢把曲奇饼弄得蓬松而厚实。“我们总是会为此吵架，”33岁的詹姆士表 示，他是名旅行博客写作者。“通常的结果就是做曲奇饼的那个人会很喜欢，而另一个人则会烦恼不已”。（据说，有一次希瑟看到烤箱里出来一炉又平又薄的曲奇 饼时非常生气，她于是开车到食品店里买了店里做好的曲奇饼。
当我问起人们有关与配偶或情侣因为食物而发生的冲突时，他们滔滔不绝。这些争 执包括：购物单的确定、到底该多忠实地按照菜谱的指示来烹饪，以及香蕉变成多深的棕色才算不能吃。
我的一个朋友讲述了她丈夫做的“垃圾 桶”晚餐，她把它称之为直接从垃圾桶里拿来的混合物。“他打开冰箱，把他能抓到手里的所有东西──豆子、奶酪、印度或墨西哥剩菜、意大利面食──混到一块 儿放入微波炉或者煎锅里，再随便浇上什么调味酱，通常会是某种咖喱酱、或许是番茄酱，”她说。这份“恶心”已经让她时不时怀疑起他们之间关系的实质了，她 说。“你怎么会不想让你心爱的人为美食而感到开心呢？”
一起进餐──特别是配上烛光和一束玫瑰──会显得亲密而浪漫。而且，至少在刚开始 交往的时候，我们在吃饭过程中通常会展示出自己最好的一面。乔斯林记得当初和丈夫约会的时候，他会“先把食物切成适当的大小，然后才送到嘴里”。
那 么，为什么还会有这些争吵呢？没有专业人士的解答我们也应该知道：食物和非常基本的身份认同有关。我们展示自己独立性的最早期的方式之一就是宣称对食物的 偏好，这并不是巧合。通过要求别人尊重我们的食物，实际上是在要求他们把我们当作独立的个体。
所以，当我们初次遇到一个人的时候，我们应 该更多地注意他的饮食习惯。凯西•施瓦兹(Kathy Schwartz)就是这么做的。居住在西雅图的施瓦兹曾经因为一个男人食用法式洋葱汤的方式而跟他分手。有一天，他在一家饭店点了一碗法式洋葱汤，汤里 的格鲁耶尔奶酪通常是融化了的，有点粘稠，那天却硬梆梆的。“在几次想要把它捻碎的努力都失败后，他像日本武士一样拿起餐刀把它切了开来，”施瓦兹说。 “这让我想到这就是他应对人生挑战的方法──粗暴攻击，而不是采用谈判、妥协或寻求其他对抗程度较低的办法。”施瓦兹拒绝了他后来的邀约。
萨 拉•沃克(Sara Walker)今年24岁，是阿拉巴马州伯明翰(Birmingham)的一位室内装饰师。她承认从小到大喜欢吃的东西非常有限：炸鸡条、奶酪通心面、比 萨饼和花生酱饼干。“我甚至连三明治都没吃过，”她说。
上大学的时候，她遇到了她的丈夫克里斯•沃克(Chris Walker)。他来自密西西比河三角洲地区(Mississippi Delta)，而且喜欢美食──他喜欢牛排、墨西哥玉米面卷饼、鲶鱼，还有野味。他成了她生命中第一个挑战她乏味饮食习惯的人。
开始交往 几个月后，随着两个人的交往越发深入，克里斯想到了一个可能的解决办法：他将萨拉送到一位专业人士那里去克服对食物的厌恶情绪。
这位专家 让萨拉列出了一张她不愿触碰的食物清单──名列第一的是莴苣，其他的还有四季豆、葡萄和意大利面酱──然后帮助她慢慢地开始吃这些东西。
进 展怎么样？这个嘛，萨拉最近点了一份沙拉作为开胃菜。那么她的主菜吃什么呢？另外一种沙拉。她现在爱上了四季豆和芦笋，也开始喜欢上了牛排。
不 过还有一个问题：她发现她的丈夫在饮食方面也不是那么喜欢冒险。比如说，他吃墨西哥油炸玉米粉饼的时候，不喜欢配其他的东西吃──而她则会把豆子、玉米、 辣调味汁和鸡肉统统放进去。
现在，每当说起饮食习惯，萨拉都会说：“我正在开始超越他。”
Ben Breeland slurps sauces, sucks on bones, smacks his lips and licks his fingers while eating. 'You want to get the chipmunk effect,' says the 48-year-old software consultant, of stuffing his cheeks full of peanuts, his favorite food.
Eating this way is a pleasure to him: He grew up with five siblings on a farm in South Carolina, where mealtimes were chaotic affairs and the sounds of loud eating were a sign of appreciation.
But how does his wife feel about it?
'I struggle to keep my nerves intact,' says Jocelyn Breeland, 49, a communications and marketing director for a trade association that supports people with disabilities. 'When he swallows, he makes a drain-flushing sound. And he can make grapes crunch.'
In the beginning of their 23-year marriage, Ms. Breeland tried to change her husband's eating habits by nagging or kicking his leg under the table. Now she drinks wine to calm down, dines in another room or rushes through her own food so she can get away from his noises as quickly as possible.
And she shoots him a look: 'It's like a cartoon character, where her eyes bug out and her mouth turns down,' says Mr. Breeland. 'You feel like the worst person ever.'
Forget middle school. Spats over eating -- where, when, how we do it -- are just as likely to happen to grown-ups as children, especially grown-ups in a relationship, who eat together a lot. And in the adult world, the mess they leave tends to be emotional, rather than physical.
Couples squabble over everything from how much mayo to put into the tuna salad to whether to order in or go out for dinner. Meat lovers vs. vegetarians? Organic vs. junk food? A spouse 'gently' telling you to put down the Chunky Monkey Ben & Jerry's? The possibilities for food to go bad in a relationship are endless.
Heather Hills likes to eat dinner early, around 5 p.m. Her husband, James, wants to eat later, around 9 or 10 p.m. Making matters worse, the two differ in their cooking styles: He loves to take his time creating beautiful entrees, with special sauces and carefully chosen side dishes. She throws ground meat, frozen vegetables and cream of mushroom soup into a casserole. 'I will put it together and he will say, 'it looks like poop,'' says Ms. Hills, 31, a social media specialist for a marketing firm, who lives in Bartlett, Ill.
The nadir of the Hills's battles? Chocolate-chip cookies. Mr. Hills prefers his flat and thin. His wife wants them cakey and thick. 'There is always an argument,' says Mr. Hills, 33, a travel blogger. 'It's usually resolved by the person who made them enjoying them and the other being ticked off.' (Ms. Hills has been known to get so mad after a flat batch comes out of the oven that she's driven to the grocer to buy store-made cookies.)
When I asked people about the food fights they'd had with spouses or romantic partners, stories poured in. There were disputes over shopping lists, how closely to follow directions on a recipe and exactly how brown a banana has to be before it becomes officially inedible.
One friend of mine told of her husband's 'garbage pail' dinners, which she described as concoctions straight out of a trash can. 'He opens the fridge and yanks whatever he can grab -- beans, cheese, Indian or Mexican leftovers, pasta -- puts it together in the microwave or a frying pan, and douses it with whatever kind of sauce is around, which is usually some kind of curry sauce or maybe ketchup,' she says. This 'nastiness' has made her wonder at times about the essence of her relationship, she says. 'How can you not want to make someone you love happy with food?'
Sharing a meal -- especially with candlelight and a bottle of rose -- can be loving and intimate. And, at least in the beginning of a relationship, we're typically on our best behavior when we eat. (Ms. Breeland has memories of her husband 'cutting his food and taking dainty mouthfuls' when they were dating.)
So why all the bickering? We shouldn't need therapists to tell us that food cuts to a very basic issue of identity. It's no coincidence that one of the earliest ways we demonstrate our independence is by asserting our food preferences. By demanding that others respect what we eat, we are demanding that they see us as individuals.
So maybe we should pay a bit more attention to people's eating habits when we first meet them. That's what Kathy Schwartz did. The Seattle resident once ended a relationship with a man because of the way he ate French onion soup. He had ordered a bowl one day at a restaurant, but found the typically stringy, melted Gruyere cheese to be a challenge. 'After several attempts trying to twiddle the cheese into submission, he grabbed his knife and, samurai style, sliced through it,' says Ms. Schwartz. 'It dawned on me that this was his approach to dealing with life's challenges -- to attack and pummel rather than negotiate, compromise or find another less confrontational way.' She declined further dates.
Sara Walker, a 24-year-old interior decorator from Birmingham, Ala., admits she grew up enjoying a very limited palate: chicken fingers, mac and cheese, pizza, and peanut-butter crackers. 'I never even ate a sandwich,' she says.
In college, she met her husband, Chris Walker, who hails from the Mississippi Delta and loves food: steak, tamales, catfish, game. He became the first person in her life to challenge her on her poor eating habits.
A few months into their relationship, as the couple became more serious, Mr. Walker came up with a possible solution: He sent her to a therapist to get over her food aversions.
The counselor had Ms. Walker make a list of the foods she refused to touch -- her No. 1 offender lettuce, along with green beans, grapes and spaghetti sauce -- and helped her introduce them into her diet.
How'd it go? Well, recently Ms. Walker ordered a salad to start. And then her entree? Another salad. She's now a fan of green beans and asparagus. She has learned to love steak.
There's just one problem: She's learned that her husband isn't really all that adventurous of an eater after all. For example, he likes his quesadillas plain -- she throws beans, corn, salsa and chicken into hers.
Now when it comes to eating habits, she says: 'I am starting to pass him.'